I joined a Vajrayana buddhist group in 2009 when I was 19. It helped me in many ways, and I do not overestimate when I say, that it saved my life. I benefited in many ways. As everything in life, there were pros and cons.
I received methods from several teachers without knowing much about them. Later I realized what commitment did I took with these transmissions. Sometimes I can keep on and sometimes not and I fear that these downfalls are not beneficial for my dharma path. I am wondering what to do now. Somehow I think any kind of decision won´t be 100% good.
I am happy to read about your dedication on the path of Awakening. I will try my best to elucidate some of the questions you have concerning your present situation.
We all have a personal story to tell about how we came to meet the teachings of the Buddha. All of this is a classic process of maturation of the path and a honest research of the most helpful methodology at different points of your life. Despite the up and own there is nothing to regret in this.
I think that the way you use the concept of samaya needs, nevertheless, some clarification. Samaya is the commitment to sustain the experience that arose during the different phases of a tantric empowerment. It is very precise and implies that, for example during the first phase of the initiation, called the vase empowerment that you have an experience of the union of form and emptiness, induced by the conjunction of the blessing of the Guru, the empowerment method and your own experience of the mind’s nature. Only if you have this experience are you qualified to receive the second part of the empowerment, the so called, secret empowerment, and so on.This is clearly explained by Tsele Natsog Rangdrol in his text Empowerment.
Most people who nowadays attend an empowerment only receive a blessing, not having the corresponding experiences, therefore there is no samaya to be preserved.
The saying goes: If you have planted seed in the soil you may want to protect them from the frost. If you haven’t, you don’t have to worry, even about a hailstorm.
What you are dealing with is not samaya but the feeling of a moral obligation. A form of gratitude that can become cumbersome. The gratitude is, nevertheless, a good thing. Keep a grateful mind for all the teachers that helped you on the path of the Buddha-Dharma, but let any cumbersome moral obligation created by your mind go away.
As you took refuge in the three jewel, they are your source of blessing and inspiration. Keep this alive by constantly taking refuge. If you have pronounced the bodhisattva vow, keep Bodhicitta alive. Study, reflect and meditate, apply the good guidance of the dharma in every situation of your life.
The way Shamar Rinpoche invites us to journey on the path would combine the practice of Shamata (calm abiding) and the preliminary practice beginning by repeatedly taking refuge with the practice of the prostration in the frame work of the 35 buddha practice. If you want to follow this particular way, you may approach the Bodhi Path teachers to get some guidance.Prostration is an excellent exercice that joins the body, the speech and the mind. It is a form of yoga. It also create a solid ground for meditation on the true nature of the mind that will unfold at its own pace.If you follow this path with care and attentiveness there is nothing that will be missed, and none of you earlier teachers will have anything to reproach you.